Feeling guilty for feeling sad. Being a human sucks.

  1. I am moral-less. Or at least I wish I were. I have a really hard thing to do which will suck for someone I really care about (even love as a friend). And it makes me so sad. But I feel as though I can’t even be sad because I should care more about how this affecrs her more than it affects me. I cried alot over this, and I will continue crying over this. But I wish I could just remove the feelings from this friend instead of feeling better myself. I am shocked at what my job has me do. I am shocked that my job is so difficult. I am so shocked at the fact that my job, which involves working with people, is so mean and moral-less. I know I am paid for this stuff… But it hurts to hurt people. Especially those you love. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten close to anyone at work. Maybe I shoul have just stayed anti-social (against my personnality) so that if decisions were imposed at my job, I could do it easily instead of being hurt by hurting someone I love. And how could I even expect anyone to understand what is happening. How could I expect anyone to even try to forgive me. I don’t even deserve it. Is my job stealing my soul? Am I becoming an empty shell?

I search myself for answers… but only find more questions.

I am brokenning.

A new word, I know, I do that. It means that I am on my way to break.

I have this incredible job, family, home, kids, husband, and yet all I see is me failing at all of them.

I work a lot. Probably way too much. I go in early every day. I leave late every day, I even do the occasional Saturday or Sunday and often wake up in the night to work. Which is what I was going to do until my mind just decided to get all mixed up in these emotions and start crying for the last few hours. I know I am under a lot of pressure. I have to go and explain a budget to a whole bunch of people that know way more about it than I do. I have to explain why I am bringing the daycare down this year with the budget. I have to explain that even though the last director used to be on budget, she used to squander all kinds of money. Everyone will know that I can’t run the daycare if I bring it to bankruptcy. I will officially be the laughing stock of the whole province. These numbers were handed to me. The budget cuts were done for everyone. Am I the only one living through this?

At home… when I am actually physically there, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know that I should be there even more. I feel like my house should not be such a mess. That I should be able to listen to my children’s stories without thinking I should be doing something else. It was so hard for me to try and do nothing this week-end. I had to will myself very hard to not start something else in the house or go back to work. I feel so guilty that my children see so little of me. But then again, I feel like it might be a good thing for them because I am not sure what I can offer them. I am not exactly the best mom these days. And the mere fact that I am always at work proves that I am not the best wife either.

I have totally lost track of my friends. I am finding friendship in my coworkers, to which I am not sure is so healthy. I am not even sure that the friendship is returned or are they being polite to their boss?

Is being boss always so hard. I can never let myself be too close to the employees, I have already learned that I can’t trust all my staff. That they always talk behind each other’s backs and therefor I know they talk behind mine as well. I have a feeling all they are looking for are the wrongs I can do. They could spot my mistakes from a mile away even if I haven’t done them yet. They don’t trust me yet and they don’t know that my intentions are really positive. All I want is for them to be happy in their work as they offer the children a stimulating and enriching environment.

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone in my life. I want to tell my husband all that I am feeling but I am stuck. He doesn’t need to know how I feel, I don’t want to burden him with this.

I feel like I will lose my husband if I don’t perform well. I am scared that he knows that I will not be good at this job. I feel like he knows that I will always have to work overtime to bring this job to a quality standard.

What if the board decides that I am not fit for this position? Do I really still have the imposter syndrome? Can I get rid of this once and for all? I am working in an office with a whole bunch of people yet all I feel is alone and sad. I need to reach out to some people, but who? DO I have friends? I have people whom I love very much at work and I consider friends, but am I their friend?

My mind is all jumbled up. My blog is incoherent at best. I am so mixed up. I need to do a list of everything I need to fix in my life.

*Be home more often and present when there

*be a better mom

*be a better wife

*be a good daycare director

*Be a better person.

Nice list. Now where do I begin?

My love, my life

It is so awesome to be by your side. You who I had never known before, but whom I had imagined all my life. the soft man, the man who takes good care of me. The man who keeps making me laugh. The man who fathers my children and loves them unconditionally. The man who snores ever so lightly besides me in the bed reminding me that he is still there. And if I were to need him, I could just turn on his side and touch him. The man who tells me he loves me every single day. The man who is weird… like me. The man who laughs at my silly jokes. The man who could follow me in a conversation that starts somewhere and goes everywhere all at once. The man who makes sure I don’T hurt myself by picking my rough heel skin, and the man who kisses my butterfly tattoos once in a while. The man who accepts me the way I am and doesn’T try to change me.
You who is so calm and so zen, the exact oposite of me. The perfectionist who doesn’t mind my leaving the room all messy.
The man who has the same addiction to series as me and also makes sure that I have my favorite sunflower seeds all the time. The man who cooks for me and does the dishes.
Oh how awesome it is to have you in my life. How perfect life is when you are with me. How great we get along all the time. How I love living my life by your side and being your wife.
You, sweet Gel, are my absolute love!

My baby almost died

She is only thirteen this baby. I gave birth to her and welcomed her into my life as she was soooo loved and expected. A little angel was born that day, and I fell in love. Since then, we spend almost everyday together. She grew into such a beautiful young lady. She is calm, and funny, and has close friends. She can be so very nice, and sometimes so coniving to her sisters. She takes good care of them. She loves horses but only has a puppy. She is an artist, she can draw really well and she sings like an angel. She has a real ear for music and learns instruments very easily.
And… she almost died.
She is pale. always so pale, but being a redhead, even more so. She has been complainng about stomach cramps. Of course, first train of thought, of course she is at that age when you fall in womanhood, it is normal to get cramps. She got them often, but then again, at what age do you become regular? when do the cramps settle?
But then, on that thursday, she became nauseous. In the evening, she threw up everuthing she had managed to eat that day. And more. We figured that she had a gastro. So we cleaned and disinfected. Got her sisters and the dog to stay away, made some fort out of her room so the herms wouldn’T travel. Then friday and saturday comes, still no sign of imminent health. She was still throwing up, but had nothing left to throw up. Her explusion was much more than her intake.
I saw it, it wasn’T bile, nor food, it was clearly puss. She was not sleeping anymore. She was in too much pain.
On sunday morning, I brought her to the emergency room. They checked her out and sent her home saying that the gastros were tough this year, she had just gotten it bad, but it would go away soon.
So we went home and she continued emptying herself in our toilet/bowls. Poor baby! She threw up what seemed like puss all day and her breath started smelling like poo. Real poo. We got real scared and went back to the emergency room. This time, with some insistence, they really checked her out. She spent the night in a bed where she continued to throw up, but was hooked on IV for rehydration. In the morning, she went to get an ultrasound. That is where they saw it, her appendix had burst.
My baby’s appendix had burst and was slowly poisoning her body. And she was expulsing puss and smelled like poopoo because some of it had escaped into her body.
They put her on a 2nd degree emegency surgery list. She was supposed to go into surgery in 30 minutes, but ended up going on monday night at 1 am.
She was so nervous, and sick. She was not allowed to drink because she was going to be tubed in and be put to sleep.
A few hours later, I was able to go to the wake-up room to check on her. She was so feeble, so drugged, so skinny and weak. So much pain in her eyes. All those machines hooked up to her. Something no mother ever wants to see.
We got a room in the hospital for her. A four-patient room. She had three room mates with her. And they were loud. Again, Kayla was unable to sleep and rest after being sick for so many days and having surgery. Nurses kept looking in on her, goving her morphone, gravol, and antibiotics. I moved into the room too. Staying awake beside her for so long. I couldn’T sleep and totally underate for the week. She stayed there until sunday. She was a wek in the hospital. So close to dying. I cried so much. She was depressed, she was grumpy and fussy. Drugged and delirious. She was rough on her family and all the nurses.
But I never was so scared in my life. I never was so scared to lose someone I loved. She is home now. Her fever dropped. She is now on oral antibiotics, pain meds, and tylenol. She is being a pro about this. She is taking her meds and is getting better every day. She walks and talks, she has pain but got out of her funk. The best thing that happened to her was to go home after all those days. I wasn’T recognising her anymore over there in the hospital. But now she is back to normal. SHe is making music, singing, playing with her computer, playing Wii, and started eating again.
My baby is back! And I am so thankful. It came too close. Thank goodness we put pressure, thank goodness we went back, because at the rate she was poisonning herself, she would have been dead a long time ago, and I would have lost my baby.
It was a really hard week. The kind of week I wouldnt want for anybody. The kind of week that makes you put things in perspective knowing that the small things in life are exactly that: small, and that we should only care about the important things, love, family, health.

literature vs redheadrox

I am a big reader. In fact, I am a speed reader and I have a wide variety of interests. I can sometimes read from two to three books in a week. The fact is, I don’t really sleep much, and it keeps me occupied while I wait for the sandman to finally make an appearance in my humble home.
I have been an even worst sleeper lately… but the problem is, my mind is already going a million miles an hour and so I can’t even concentrate on my books, nor can I continue my paintings.
Nonetheless, a few days ago, I managed to finish a wonderful novel by a quebec writer called ‘Sophie Bérubé’. She wrote ‘Sans Antécédents’ Throughout the whole novel, I kept thinking, holy shit, this writer knows me and my past. She has found out my past and is writing it to the world.
The main character’s name is Roxanne, she had a very fucked up relationship with a narcisistic prickwho ends up trying to destroy her by trying to make everyone think she is crazy while all the time, he is fucking with her mind.
During the reading of this novel I wnt through all the emotions possible… from anger, to wonder, to sadness to happiness.
And that is what it’s all about. That is why I read. It keeps me full of emotions about things that are not personal so that I can concentrate on the non-emotional things in my real life.
I think it took me three days to come down from my high from reading this book. I almost had to go to therapy to deal with the grief of this novel being finished. And since then,… nothing. Not one book. I can’T read a single book. I don’t think it is because none match it, but I think it is because I don’T feel like going through all the emotions.
But now that means I am not reading… which makes it real hard to fall asleep… don’t you think? `
Every night I am sleepless in Montreal, and basically, just listening to hubby dear snore for a while before I can give into the night and finally fall asleep.
On this note, Let me get back to listening to him lull me to sleep with a snoring song.. The song that reminds me how lucky I am to have him by my side every night of my life.

What a wonderful life!

It is smoldering hot outside. I am loving this weather! Beats shoveling the car out of the snow!

I am at peace with life these days. Seems like nothing could penetrate this hapiness to ruin it. 

Work is going great as usual! I am still working at my favorite daycare, earning a good living taking care of wonderful boys whom I adore. 

At home, my kids are getting older and more and more beautiful. I feel so lucky to have created such wonderful daughters. 

My eldest is thriving in school. She is doing wonderfully in all her classes and doing so well in cadets too, she’s already a corporal. She also sings wonderfully! 

My middle child is so bright, everyone who meets her is charmed by her. She is so quick to make friends and is growing so fast! She was adopted by my husband and she is so happy! Thy have such a wonderful and unique relationship! they are a great team. A natural team. 

My youngest is talking more qnd more. She reminds me of my two other children when they were her age. She is silly and naughty and very smart. I can’T believe I am so lucky to have her. 

Hubby dearest is my savior. Just when I had lost hope that there were decent men out there, He came into my life and showed me what a good relationship is all about. He constantly shows me how much he loves me and makes me happy. 

I am singing in my choir and absolutely adoring it. The women in this choir are so nice and happy. We are singing so many songs too! I am carrying a binder with all the sheet music we sing with and it weighs a ton. We have sweet adelines competitions in May and I would really like to kick ass!

I am having lots of fun with all my friends this summer. Nothing better than a glass of vino tinto on the balcony with some friends, just messing around and having a good time. I love that summer allows people to go outside and be social! I am doing a nice garden with my neighbors and it is actually growing nicely! The fruit of our work is coming. 

I think that being in love, having a great family, and a beautiful home is totally helping me love life. 

So, dearest friends and followers, have a great summer! I wish you to be happy. Blessed be!

Happiness within..

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been forever since my last blog!

I got lost in my life. Couldn’t find my way back to my WordPress page, but I seem cured today. So here goes;

It is in the middle of January already. I am always, always, always busy. I work full time and come home late. I have three wonderful children at home waiting for me when I am done work. I have my hubby who is always there for me. I have meetings for my work, and Administration council meeting. My daughters go to scouts, cadets, doctors, eye doctors, Clsc, hospital, sleepovers, camp, horseback riding, and I am now not only a mom, but a professional planner for all these activities. Of course I double book sometimes, and I run from one place to the other because I always seem to forget that there is always travel time between activities. I still paint. More and more I should say. I even have special requests that I am working on, and my own personal special collection of freaky paintings I want for my house. Between al this, I still find the time to paint my nails every second day and watch some series on the telly.

I am not saying I am superwoman…. but no one has ever really seen me in the same room and the same time as superwoman… so that is enough to leave a doubt in your mind.

But while I am living this busy life, I forget to say how much I enjoy it though. Married life suits me. I am totally loving this whole relationship. My husband is going to HEC Montréal to get a diploma in business management, and I also decided to do something for myself. (Career wise I am good, and don’t really want to change anything). So I took up Choir. OH my goodness. I was so happy when I came back from my last practice. I absolutely fell in love with the choir ladies. We are singing some songs for a contest next month. And We are choosing Beatles songs!! I love it. No more church choirs for me. (Technically we practice in a church basement, but they are not related). So I am taking every Monday nights off to myself. Wow!

As a new year resolution this year, I decided to take care of my health. I am already seeing doctors, I found a doctor that will follow me, I have reduced all my medication, will be losing weight, changed the family’s diet, no more munchies at night (except for sunflower seeds which don’t make you gain weight) and no wine except for occasions. (And that goes for all alcohol too… From Laura Secord chocolate alcohol to Porto)…

I also decided to get involved in stuff… hence the Choir… and also I will continue hosting parties at my home… did I mention I have a really nice home… I have a big 9 1/2 home. Everyone has their own room and we have a big laundry room and work room. I love it! I don’t ever want to move from here. Unless it is to buy my own house… which I am not ready to do yet in my life.

Anyways, I must say, life is treating me kindly. Everything is where it is supposed to be. All the negative is finally out and all that is left is happiness and love. I keep my distance from energy vampires and stay close to people who are positive. I cleaned out my social network and my home. I love it.

Anyways, life awaits, gotta take care of my baby.

I will surely write soon. Well at least sooner than the gap from my last blog.