Emotional and mental exhaution

I read something on Facebook yesterday about emotional  and mental exhausted. I think I could even add physically exhauted in this case.

Here are the signs mentioned on the web site:

*You are easily irritated;

*Your motivation levels are lower than ever;

*You are experiencing anxiety attacks more frequently than usual;

*You have trouble sleeping;

*Meaningless things upset you;

*You feel dizzy and nauseous;

*You feel like crying for no reason;

*You start to feel detached.

 

Of course the web site is in no way equipped to evaluate my life right now, but I feel like it read my diary.

WTH is up with that.

I realize that I am living a pretty tough time at home and at work and I have trouble resting. I always feel high with problem solving anxiety.

My kids are doing good at school, but I have this anxiety that my daughter is going to college next year. She got accepted in college and will be studying in her field of choice! That’s crazy! She was 5 years old yesterday and now she turns 17; the edge of adulthood.

My other daughter is going to high school. She will make new friends and encounter other humans! She will take the bus every day and be responsible-er. She is turning into a beautiful teenager. Her long blondish hair making heads turn everywhere she goes. Her personality exploding with confidence and a certain ‘joie de vivre’ I once saw in me!

My precious baby is already in kindergarten. She is loving every minute of it and has managed to become her teacher’s favorite student. She is awesome and bright. And instead of reading a story at night or singing a song,. she keeps asking me to do the alphabet in sign language with her. (euh… is that normal?) (nope, I don’t think so, but I love it!)

My hubby was injured in January. Poor man luxated and triple fractured his ankle by slipping on the ice at my daughter’s school. The school has completely neglected salting the little passage, he slipped, and our lives changed.

My hubby now sits at home on his computer chair, playing World of Warcraft, like, all the time. He actually wakes up in the middle of the night and sneaks over to his computer to play. He joins guilds and unjoins the family. But who can blame him, he is alone all day. No one but the dog to talk to. And let’s be franc: the dog doesn’t make a good conversation. I can’T blame him for going completely off the family, he can’T make any connections with us anymore. He never goes out, eats within seconds and leaves the table, he has succeeded in deleting us. And if we try to make conversations with him, he has nothing to say. He doesn’t have any new content to add in conversations.

His accident left us with my salary only. Which is stressful. I know I have my job and it is well-paying. But our lifestyle matched a two-income household. So we are cutting everywhere. And we are cutting in all the fun stuff. Which makes my life ‘all work and no play’.

The girls are quite understanding about this though. Which is a relief.

At work, my boss got kicked out of her position. She was not meant for this job, but that hasn’t helped the work situation. I am not even sure what I am doing here anymore. I feel like I am not performing at my best. And I hate that. I am a bit of a control freak. I need things to run smoothly. But I feel like there are too many bosses at my work. We are 4 people working at the top of this CPE. I run fast, I do things quick and straight. I obey all the rules from the MFA. I like to follow all the rules from the staff’s collective agreement… but things run slowly here. Things are very long to change. I must always consult everyone on all the decisions I make and all the documents I make.

I realize I am not a team player. I rather like to set up my own schedule and to do list and finish it. I need the sense of accomplishment. I crave the closing of ‘files’. I need to turn the page on my work and go towards a new project. But I don’t know how to do this in this work environment.

I also am in university. Getting my degree in management at the University of New Brunswick. It is pretty fun I must admit! I didn’t think I would like it so much. The real struggle is finding the time to study with the crazy schedule.

Anyways, with work and home like this, and with all the housework I am doing instead of having help from my hubby, I think I am drained. EXHAUSTED!

But I can’t stop. I feel like I have a motor right up my @**.

Which brings me to this question, and this is a question I have asked myself many times in my life:                      When will I be able to just stop and breathe?

Every week of my life is like ‘I will rush now but next week will be easier’ …. and then I repeat the process every week.

Any who, I am taking a vacation next week. Going home and hopefully staying there. Just resting and studying.

The kids will be in school, the hubby will be on his computer. I plan to sleep until 10 each morning and get rid of the bags under my eyes for at least a week.

If I am lucky, I will be able to take some sun (!).

It was nice to write again, hopefully I sneak some more writing time soon!

-Rox-

Advertisements

The hunt continues! Mouse/mice here we come!

It’s like clockwork!

Every year the mice move back in the house. I swear, we must have a really inviting house to be graced with such furry/ugly friends.

Our building is surrounded with neighbours who own cats, and therefor, our house seems to be the safest haven for the little rodents.

I woke up last sunday morning to find my daughter sleeping in the living room. When I asked her why she was there she said she couldn’t sleep because she kept hearing the mice in her room under her bed. I found that odd because usually the mice stay where they can be fed… but she heard those mice. I told her that while she goes to her sunday basketball and cheerleading courses, I would take care to empty her room and check things out. I also ask her if she has any food in her room. (the children are forbidden to eat in their room for exactly this reason…) She claims that there is absolutely no food in her room. She stopped misbehaving and hiding food in her room a long time ago so she doesn’t know why the mice were there.

So when she leaves for her courses, I decide to empty her room and switch the furniture around a bit. I also decided to remove all the toys from her room and build a makeshift playroom to zen-ify the rooms a bit.

In her room I found the equivalent of 1.5 laundry bins of food leftovers. DISGUSTING!!!! Popcorn bags with kernels, bugles bag, candy, pop bottles, chocolate wrappers, cake decorations, cake ingredients, chocolate chip bags, salt and vinegar and ketchup powder for popcorn… SO MUCH STUFF! And yet she swore.

When I had opened her closet door, I was greeted by the mice. They scurried around in there and scared the living hell out of me. I mean, I had been there for a while making noise and singing along to my playlist, so how come they didn’t just leave the room beforehand. So they startled the soul out of my body and I had to quit. I actualy ran out of the room, stood on my couch and regained control of my heart rate.

I called my mommy like a sad MOFO and my mommy lent me her BF to come help with the mice control.

The mouse finally ran away (to another part of the house) and I could then finish filling up my daughter’s room back again.

I left the leftovers in the baskets and waited for my daughter to come back home so she can finish the cleaning up. She was comfronted by her lies but didn’t flinch much. I forbade her to ever sleep in the living room again and told her that if food got back in her room, she would have to share her room with the mice indefinetly.

The exterminator came and we will have that problem taken care of soon, but in the meanwhile, we have new roomates. Furry, scurrying, disgusting, non-paying, no task doing, roomates from hell.

 

 

 

Life… update

I have changed. I am healthy! I took care of myself. I lost 130 pounds in 9 months. I was so big, I was out of breath just getting out of bed. I am now jumping up the stairs at the metro station. I take the bus to work (I work at the bell center… so parking is a bitch) and I am in full shape.

Life changes. Health changes everything. I feel good about my weight loss and I love the path that I took.

I still have chalenges ahead. I chose tough new-year resolutions! But I know I will be able to make it through them just like last year’s resolutions.

I have three girls that are so different from  each other, yet, they all are like me in some manner/way.

They have a piece of their character that I can relate to all the time. And sometimes, these girls baffle me!

I work at a daycare as a director still. I have a really awesome team… like for real! I am so lucky to have found wonderful ladies (and man). My job gets difficult sometimes, but these ladies make it all worth it!

I also go to university. Third semester at University of New Brunswick. I love it! It requires a lot of reading and studying but the topics are so very related to my life, it is a great course.

Wow, I know this blog is a bit all over the place, but it has been so long since I blogged that I don’t know how to organise my thoughts.

I will stop now, but safe to say I will try my hand at blogging again. I like it. I just never take the time to do it anymore.

Have an excellent night dear followers!

Roxxx

Creepy girl!

Ok, so this really freaked me out! I was driving down a country road with my hubby and my three girls. All of a sudden, my daughter begins to say that this is where her mom and dad used to live. In a red house just down the road. Mind you, I made this little girl and did not adopt her from another set of parents, so I am pretty sure that she did not have parents before coming out of my punani. So I don’t want her to feel foolish by what she was saying so I coax her to go on.

She continues to say that the red house down the road is where she used to live but her mommy was sick and her daddy too and they died. They used to have a big wooden kitchen table where the would eat at and they had a swing in a tree.

I am a bit freaked out, but just keep going. After about ten minutes, she speaks up again and says… she remembers the spot… this was where the house was. And then, low and behold!!!! THE RED HOUSE. I look back at freaky child and she is so excited to see the house. And now I am scared.

I didn’t know what to think or feel. But I believe her. I kinda believe in past lives. And I don’t know where she would ever get information like this.

A few days later, I asked her about her ‘mommy’ from the red house. She went on to say that the mommy was not as nice as I am (relief!) and she got sick and died. But it was ok. Her ‘daddy’ died too and she is ok with that. She used to love swinging on the swing set and playing with the yard hose.

OK… weird! (and kinda cool!)

Feeling guilty for feeling sad. Being a human sucks.

  1. I am moral-less. Or at least I wish I were. I have a really hard thing to do which will suck for someone I really care about (even love as a friend). And it makes me so sad. But I feel as though I can’t even be sad because I should care more about how this affecrs her more than it affects me. I cried alot over this, and I will continue crying over this. But I wish I could just remove the feelings from this friend instead of feeling better myself. I am shocked at what my job has me do. I am shocked that my job is so difficult. I am so shocked at the fact that my job, which involves working with people, is so mean and moral-less. I know I am paid for this stuff… But it hurts to hurt people. Especially those you love. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten close to anyone at work. Maybe I shoul have just stayed anti-social (against my personnality) so that if decisions were imposed at my job, I could do it easily instead of being hurt by hurting someone I love. And how could I even expect anyone to understand what is happening. How could I expect anyone to even try to forgive me. I don’t even deserve it. Is my job stealing my soul? Am I becoming an empty shell?

I search myself for answers… but only find more questions.

I am brokenning.

A new word, I know, I do that. It means that I am on my way to break.

I have this incredible job, family, home, kids, husband, and yet all I see is me failing at all of them.

I work a lot. Probably way too much. I go in early every day. I leave late every day, I even do the occasional Saturday or Sunday and often wake up in the night to work. Which is what I was going to do until my mind just decided to get all mixed up in these emotions and start crying for the last few hours. I know I am under a lot of pressure. I have to go and explain a budget to a whole bunch of people that know way more about it than I do. I have to explain why I am bringing the daycare down this year with the budget. I have to explain that even though the last director used to be on budget, she used to squander all kinds of money. Everyone will know that I can’t run the daycare if I bring it to bankruptcy. I will officially be the laughing stock of the whole province. These numbers were handed to me. The budget cuts were done for everyone. Am I the only one living through this?

At home… when I am actually physically there, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know that I should be there even more. I feel like my house should not be such a mess. That I should be able to listen to my children’s stories without thinking I should be doing something else. It was so hard for me to try and do nothing this week-end. I had to will myself very hard to not start something else in the house or go back to work. I feel so guilty that my children see so little of me. But then again, I feel like it might be a good thing for them because I am not sure what I can offer them. I am not exactly the best mom these days. And the mere fact that I am always at work proves that I am not the best wife either.

I have totally lost track of my friends. I am finding friendship in my coworkers, to which I am not sure is so healthy. I am not even sure that the friendship is returned or are they being polite to their boss?

Is being boss always so hard. I can never let myself be too close to the employees, I have already learned that I can’t trust all my staff. That they always talk behind each other’s backs and therefor I know they talk behind mine as well. I have a feeling all they are looking for are the wrongs I can do. They could spot my mistakes from a mile away even if I haven’t done them yet. They don’t trust me yet and they don’t know that my intentions are really positive. All I want is for them to be happy in their work as they offer the children a stimulating and enriching environment.

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone in my life. I want to tell my husband all that I am feeling but I am stuck. He doesn’t need to know how I feel, I don’t want to burden him with this.

I feel like I will lose my husband if I don’t perform well. I am scared that he knows that I will not be good at this job. I feel like he knows that I will always have to work overtime to bring this job to a quality standard.

What if the board decides that I am not fit for this position? Do I really still have the imposter syndrome? Can I get rid of this once and for all? I am working in an office with a whole bunch of people yet all I feel is alone and sad. I need to reach out to some people, but who? DO I have friends? I have people whom I love very much at work and I consider friends, but am I their friend?

My mind is all jumbled up. My blog is incoherent at best. I am so mixed up. I need to do a list of everything I need to fix in my life.

*Be home more often and present when there

*be a better mom

*be a better wife

*be a good daycare director

*Be a better person.

Nice list. Now where do I begin?

My love, my life

It is so awesome to be by your side. You who I had never known before, but whom I had imagined all my life. the soft man, the man who takes good care of me. The man who keeps making me laugh. The man who fathers my children and loves them unconditionally. The man who snores ever so lightly besides me in the bed reminding me that he is still there. And if I were to need him, I could just turn on his side and touch him. The man who tells me he loves me every single day. The man who is weird… like me. The man who laughs at my silly jokes. The man who could follow me in a conversation that starts somewhere and goes everywhere all at once. The man who makes sure I don’T hurt myself by picking my rough heel skin, and the man who kisses my butterfly tattoos once in a while. The man who accepts me the way I am and doesn’T try to change me.
You who is so calm and so zen, the exact oposite of me. The perfectionist who doesn’t mind my leaving the room all messy.
The man who has the same addiction to series as me and also makes sure that I have my favorite sunflower seeds all the time. The man who cooks for me and does the dishes.
Oh how awesome it is to have you in my life. How perfect life is when you are with me. How great we get along all the time. How I love living my life by your side and being your wife.
You, sweet Gel, are my absolute love!
I. ADORE. YOU.