I search myself for answers… but only find more questions.

I am brokenning.

A new word, I know, I do that. It means that I am on my way to break.

I have this incredible job, family, home, kids, husband, and yet all I see is me failing at all of them.

I work a lot. Probably way too much. I go in early every day. I leave late every day, I even do the occasional Saturday or Sunday and often wake up in the night to work. Which is what I was going to do until my mind just decided to get all mixed up in these emotions and start crying for the last few hours. I know I am under a lot of pressure. I have to go and explain a budget to a whole bunch of people that know way more about it than I do. I have to explain why I am bringing the daycare down this year with the budget. I have to explain that even though the last director used to be on budget, she used to squander all kinds of money. Everyone will know that I can’t run the daycare if I bring it to bankruptcy. I will officially be the laughing stock of the whole province. These numbers were handed to me. The budget cuts were done for everyone. Am I the only one living through this?

At home… when I am actually physically there, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know that I should be there even more. I feel like my house should not be such a mess. That I should be able to listen to my children’s stories without thinking I should be doing something else. It was so hard for me to try and do nothing this week-end. I had to will myself very hard to not start something else in the house or go back to work. I feel so guilty that my children see so little of me. But then again, I feel like it might be a good thing for them because I am not sure what I can offer them. I am not exactly the best mom these days. And the mere fact that I am always at work proves that I am not the best wife either.

I have totally lost track of my friends. I am finding friendship in my coworkers, to which I am not sure is so healthy. I am not even sure that the friendship is returned or are they being polite to their boss?

Is being boss always so hard. I can never let myself be too close to the employees, I have already learned that I can’t trust all my staff. That they always talk behind each other’s backs and therefor I know they talk behind mine as well. I have a feeling all they are looking for are the wrongs I can do. They could spot my mistakes from a mile away even if I haven’t done them yet. They don’t trust me yet and they don’t know that my intentions are really positive. All I want is for them to be happy in their work as they offer the children a stimulating and enriching environment.

I don’t think I have ever felt so alone in my life. I want to tell my husband all that I am feeling but I am stuck. He doesn’t need to know how I feel, I don’t want to burden him with this.

I feel like I will lose my husband if I don’t perform well. I am scared that he knows that I will not be good at this job. I feel like he knows that I will always have to work overtime to bring this job to a quality standard.

What if the board decides that I am not fit for this position? Do I really still have the imposter syndrome? Can I get rid of this once and for all? I am working in an office with a whole bunch of people yet all I feel is alone and sad. I need to reach out to some people, but who? DO I have friends? I have people whom I love very much at work and I consider friends, but am I their friend?

My mind is all jumbled up. My blog is incoherent at best. I am so mixed up. I need to do a list of everything I need to fix in my life.

*Be home more often and present when there

*be a better mom

*be a better wife

*be a good daycare director

*Be a better person.

Nice list. Now where do I begin?

Advertisements

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Cristina on July 13, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Hi Rox,

    So your list is not a good list… you know why ? Cus it’s so vague that you fail before you even begin to tackle it… 🙂

    You need to be a LOT more specific in ways that are measurable. Like what does it mean “be home more?”… 30 minutes more or 3 hours more ?

    What does it mean “be a better mom” ? Cook more, tidy up more, or spend 30min quality time with each kid each day ?…
    What does it mean “better wife”? …
    So why don’t you break each of your goal up into measurable bits :

    1) *Be home more often and present when there
    — Arrive home no later than xx hour
    — Finish dinner by xx hour

    2) be a better mom
    — Spend 30 minutes playing with ALL kids together
    — Spend 15 minutes with each kid every night, alone time, bedtime story
    — Stop worrying about the kitchen sink dishes and focus on quality alone time with kids instead.

    3) *be a better wife
    — discuss expectations with husband. Does he NEED you to be “better”… or he needs you to … I don’t know… spend 30 min with him every night chatting after the kids are in bed… and have one date-night a week (at home too) once the kids are in bed…
    Maybe you’re “pushing yoruself” and he’s not “expecting” anything from you… and it’s all in your head… 🙂

    4) be a good daycare director
    What defines a “good daycare director” ??…
    I can tell you that’s a tough one… but I am sure you can find a few specific items…

    5) *Be a better person.
    Nah, what the heck is this one !
    Come on. Shoot yourself in the foot, would you ? haha !! You are a good person. Yes, we can all be better, but in the end there are only 24 hrs in a day and we need to make choices. So don’t fret… just do what’s MOST important to you … and forget the rest.

    Reply

  2. Posted by Orso glandu on July 13, 2015 at 9:49 pm

    Respire. Assise, par la bedaine, sans bouger les épaules. C’est dur au début après ça fait du bien. Ensuite vas voir dans l’enveloppe verte le sens d’une distorsion cognitive. Si tu tapes le titre sur la première page sur le net, tu trouveras le document, dedans les raisons des distorsions cognitives . Aussi comment les désamorcer. Voilà ! 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: